I was trying to pin point where or what all of this anxiety stems from so I decided to actually write it down on paper. Here is what I came up with:
That end part is totally immature, I know. I just feel that way right now. I feel very back the fuck off and let me breathe. I really wish I could get to a point where I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the shit to hit the fan, I am just not there yet.
Part of the reason why I am not there yet is because I stopped taking anti anxiety medication thinking saving $33 dollars a month would be money well spent on things like Pull-Ups and organic peanut butter. This was a stupid, stupid idea and the fact that I stopped taking the medication only gave me more stress.
Sure, things could always be worse. I could be in the rubble of a quake in China or wiped out by a freak cyclone in Myanmar, but my "things" are all very real to me and they are making a pile of bricks on my chest. I am ready for some good times, you know. I need a teeny tiny bit of "things are ok" for just a little while. I am afraid I am letting life pass me by.